While most people spend their undergrad trying desperately to secure their bachelor’s degree, their love lives are often left in ruins. While it’s important to focus on your degree, why not take a gander at some of UTM’s most eligible bachelors! Read on as they explain their dream dates and recipes for success in their relationships:

George is a humble fourth-year who is truly a ladies’ man at heart. When asked, he described his perfect date, “I take her to the discount movie theatre, then I buy her a burger. The movie makes her drowsy and the red meat releases more sleep chemicals. The main goal is to get her guard down so that she’ll be more willing to touch my shrimp dick. Then, I take her to my humble abode, my parents basement. I play her three songs very loudly on my piano, and I sing even louder. Then I tell her that her music taste sucks as I attempt to cop a feel. I try to get laid and get rejected, so I take her back home. The formula is there, it’s just a matter of experimenting on different subjects.”

Seth is a third-year PWC major, and while he doesn’t have a formula for dating, he is reliant on his patented approach. “I’d been making some pretty intense eye contact with this sweet thang in my writing class, so I gathered the confidence to strike up a conversation. After a light roasting of the Men’s Rights Activist sitting across from us, we definitely had a spark.

“I invite her back to my place, and make her watch The Dave Chappelle Show. Neither of us laugh or make any physical contact. She eventually leaves after two episodes and I am left to finish a Tyrone Biggume sketch by myself.

“Next class, I barely talk to her. A week later I DM her on Instagram and invite her to a costume party.  We come up with a great couple’s costume, and she arrives at my house in full costume. I, on the other hand, am wearing normal clothes. Ladies love surprises. We hang out at my house before our bus comes, and I avoid making eye contact with her while I try to down as many beers as possible.

“I manage to make her so uncomfortable that she leaves after 15 minutes. Obviously I can’t go to the party now I don’t have a costume, so I DM her and blame her for not being approachable, despite the fact that she had come over to my house after I invited her. The semester passes and we never talk in class again. I’ve been on like, three awful dates with her over eight months, so something about my approach is working. She can’t resist me.”

Even those in committed relationships still display bachelor-like qualities. Jackson Romero’s relationship bliss has melted away due to the stress of Valentine’s Day. He explained to The Medium, “I just got into a fight with my girlfriend. She was bitching about how I wasn’t going to do anything for Valentine’s Day and that I don’t care about her. I took her to Wendy’s last week, isn’t that enough? I give her so much. She has no friends because she’s such a loser so I introduced her to mine. I am such a good boyfriend that I talk about how much she sucks and that I hate her to random strangers sitting beside me in class. A bad boyfriend wouldn’t even mention her at all.”

So when your singleness is getting you down this V-Day, consider how much more awful dating is!

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