The Get Hired Fair is the crown jewel of UTM’s Career Centre, with hundreds of students and alumni flocking to the RAWC’s main gym in hopes of finding their dream job, or at least something to cover their OSAP debt with. While most attendees walked away without any plans for the future, a few students signed the deal of their lifetime.
The devil, also known as Satan, Lucifer, and “Kyle” to his friends, is the harbinger of doom and the personification of evil, and now he is also the boss to a few dozen UTM students and alumni. Most students have considered selling their soul to the devil but haven’t followed through. These new hires are willing to sacrifice their afterlife for valuable work experience and the ability to fill the empty space on their resume.
“While god is bound to a not-for-profit business model,” one student told The Medium, “Satan and his subsidiaries are able to exploit the market to their unholy heart’s content. After all, he did invent capitalism.”
A Satan representative explained to The Medium that, “When it comes to our prospective hires, we look for several key factors: Greed—you gotta be motivated to make your money. Sloth—work hard, sleep harder. Pride—gotta rep the brand with pride. Gluttony—we have weekly bagel meetings, so bring your appetite. Wrath—you should be invested in your work. Envy—you gotta be clear with your goals and aspirations. And due to previous HR violations, I am no longer at liberty to discuss lust, but it definitely helps.”
We tend to hire more political science majors, followed by education and English,” continued the representative. “Business majors don’t actually have souls, so we are unable to provide employment to them. Overall, it’s quite simple. An employee of ours gains skills and experience, and in exchange all we ask for is their soul and for them to spend their entire afterlife in damnation. We are pretty on par with most major banks. And we are committed to cultivating a diverse work environment. I deeply believe all shapes, colours, and religions have a place in hell.”
“And most new hires quickly work their way through the ranks,” the representative concluded. “You may start with fanning the flames of hell, but soon enough you’ll be torturing all the sinners and who knows, maybe one day you’ll get your own pitchfork and corner office.”
We caught up with Christian Goodman, a recent Satan hire, who summed up the state of the job market. “I mean, it’s the devil, but dental care is dental care, you know? There’s no ethical consumption under capitalism anyway. I’d rather have a devil with horns as my boss than a devil in a discount business suit.”