I love back-to-school films, college movies, and road trip flicks. They celebrate the best and the worst of what its like to grow up. That’s why I was so shocked when I came to university.
I saw a campus that was more work than play, and a series of classes that, while preparing me for the working world, weren’t going to elevate my soul. I didn’t even manage to overthrow a troupe of wealthy jocks and win the heart of a nice girl, which as a bespectacled nerd I thought was pretty much owed me.
National Lampoon had lied to me.
With these revelations in mind, I went in search of anything familiar, an evil dean, a hard-partying student body, and an inspirational professor who would teach me about Life, the Universe, and Everything— or at least how to win at blackjack.
Or rather, I didn’t, because that would’ve been crazy. But if I had done that, then it probably would have looked like this.
The Administration
GF: Crusty dean! You tore down our community centre and you put Delta House on probation! … Drop fees! Party!
Admin: I think you’re confusing my position with the dean from Animal House, the villain from Electric Boogaloo 2, and some sort of evil cartoon character. I’m an administrator with the UTM Registrar Office. We’re here to make sure everything runs smoothly between students and faculty, and to ensure your university experience goes well.
The Students
GF: Roommates! It’s time for experimenting in the least academic way possible! Check it out, I sold all our books and replaced it with sweet, nourishing beer. … Let’s party!
Roommates: Dude, that’s not cool. I have a paper due tomorrow. Also, Anila is fasting and it wouldn’t be respectful if we just started drinking in front of her.
The Professors
GF: Professor! I’m so psyched for today’s class. I’m ready to learn about life and love and stuff that’ll put my youth in perspective. What’s the first lesson, oh-captain-my-captain? … Party!!
Professor Gillham: My speciality is in French literature from the 18th to the 19th century with a focus on Dumas. Even though professors as a whole try to look out for our students, I don’t think that “teaching you how to live” is in my job description. Are… are you even in my class?
The Freshmen
GF: Froshies! Time to party! Enjoy our youth and celebrate our obvious superiority over every other group of froshies from every other university and academic program! Wooo!
Froshies: Hell yeah! Party!
