If UTM buildings were film genres

Exams are coming around. If you’re like us, that means you’re doing everything in your power to stop thinking about exams. That might be why our laptops are so chock-full of illegally downloaded movies (we’re pretty sure if we paid for them we’d rebalance the nation’s GDP).

Well, no more of that. It’s time to roll up our sleeves and get some journalism done. Actually, that sounds lame. Instead, we matched UTM buildings with the movie genres we’ve been watching.

LISLEHURST: GOTHIC HORROR

What was that? Was it a squirrel? A deer? Or an axe-wielding maniac hiding behind the trees? Darkness, seclusion, and an ancient building make Lislehurst and the surrounding forests the perfect horror movie setting. It’s not the best place to go wandering around at night. With every step you take your audience will be yelling, “Don’t go in there!” But your curiosity will pull you forward. What’s that burned-down cottage with the chimney? What are all these boxes doing nailed to the trees? Oh Lord—that branch just moved!

CCT: EARLY ‘90S SCI-FI

Somehow you ended up inside a spaceship. Not a cool spaceship, but one built circa 1987. Nearly every wall is a reflective surface. All the furniture is sharp and looks uncomfortable. Everything is a weird shade of grey or green, and you half-expect some sort of flying car to come crashing through the giant glass windows. (We were promised flying cars! Where are they?) Your parents really enjoyed seeing it, but after four years you find there’s not that much substance to it.

IB: THE SO-SO SEQUEL

Well, CCT was so successful, the obvious next step was to do the same thing again. Except something is off. Like every remake, IB failed to make the original’s good points better, and just made the bad parts worse. You get all the pointless empty space of CCT, and as a bonus, you can’t sit in the useful classroom spaces unless you have authorization signed in triplicate. In fact, this sequel might capture the sci-fi utopia-turned-dystopia element even better than we thought, especially with all those security cameras watching our every move.

HS COMPLEX: BIO TERROR

When the zombie apocalypse breaks out, it will break out here, in the maze of shiny science and anonymous lab-coat-wearing extras. Everything about the Terrance Donnelly Health Sciences Complex suggests science gone wrong, from the aluminum siding plating it to the claustrophobic, green-lit equipment rooms inside. We’re certain that Subject Zero will tear out of there any day now, leaving the lab geeks crying, “What hath science wrought?!”

STUDENT CENTRE: DANCE MOVIE

You were a little taken aback by what you saw here. You thought it was some sort of politcal thriller. I mean, the poster had the word “revolution” on it. But a few minutes in and suddenly someone broke into a dance routine. The longer you were there, the more people burst into dance. Perhaps there’s some kind of dance showdown they’re practising for? Afterall, you noticed more than one group. Still, when it was over you left in a daze—a little impressed, and a little confused.

RAWC: INSPIRING SPORTS MOVIE

We entered as stick-thin dweebs and jiggling fatties, but came out as bronzed, rippling gods and goddesses. Or maybe that’s just the Argos. If there’s ever going to be an underdog sports movie filmed at UTM, the RAWC is where it’s going to happen: not only do you have the endless rows of exercise equipment and the parade of scantily clad coeds to drive your determination, they even have that extra-long staircase for you to run up and perfect your Rocky impersonation.

KANEFF CENTRE: POLITICAL THRILLER

Okay, we’ll be honest. We’ve never actually been in this one. You’ve only ventured a few steps past the entrance to take shelter from the cold outside. Oh, sure, people say it’s interesting and intelligent; every time you’re about to enter, all you see is people in business suits, talking about stuff you don’t understand. You think you may need to prepare yourself mentally before you head in, but honestly, you’re a little too lazy. We’ll get around to visiting Kaneff one of these days.

NORTH: HIGHSCHOOL DRAMA

“She said what? That skank!”

Lockers everywhere. Tiny classrooms. Herds of people who love drama (get it?). You wouldn’t be surprised if you spotted Regina George and her minions here, nor the entire cast of One Tree Hill. A tragic indie rock song would complete the atmosphere. Yes, the halls of North were meant for devious girl plots,
underhanded comments, and a dose of angst about some blonde chick with too much eye makeup.

DAVIS: THE ONE YOU SLEPT THROUGH

Everyone’s been to this one, and you’re pretty sure you were there too—for a long time, in fact. You even remember that you had a lot of food going in and it was so packed in there that you actually had to shove people to get to your seat. You suspect the poster might have advertised a range of topics from politics to science.

Despite that, you can’t remember much of the actual movie, except that you got a neck-ache from the uncomfortable plastic chairs.