Disclaimer: This article is for entertainment purposes only. However, if you see other students doing any of the below, feel proud that you’re not the typical sluggish line-dweller, and relieved that you’re not the only one who took this list seriously.
• Sing the most obnoxious song you know. “Friday,” “Peanut Butter Jelly Time,” and the six-hour edition of “Nyan Cat” are all acceptable choices. Bonus points if other people join in.
• Invade another student’s personal bubble, preferably that of the student in front of you. If they ask you nicely to move away, just smile. If they give you a dirty look, move closer and smile wider. Giggle like that creepy kid from The Shining. Repeat until the student decides to leave the line or you are arrested.
• Grab the thickest book you can find and flip through it carefully. Bury your head in the book. Sniff each page and emphatically sigh. If you make it through the entire book and you’re still in line, you’ve done something wrong.
• Rearrange items in the bookstore. Now, you have to do this subtly so you don’t get kicked out, banned, or scolded like a four-year-old. If done correctly you’ll get the satisfaction of watching first-year science majors wonder why they have to read and hopelessly flounder in Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason, and seeing English majors trying to make sense of The Wealth of Nations.
• Whisper ominous religious phrases to the person in front of you. “ ‘Vengeance is mine,’ says the Lord” is a good one. If you don’t know any, make up an ominous, non-English chant.
• When despair starts creeping into your mind and the line is looking more tedious than your first-year calculus exam, bring a copy of The Medium with you. No, you don’t have to read it. Instead, fold it into an origami crane, fortune teller, or pirate hat. Bonus points if you can see anyone else wearing one in the line.
