Jenny Spulunky’s outlook on life, like most young women, is based on the attention and validation she receives from men who barely shower and yell at their mothers. However, as she informed The Medium, for the past few months she thought she had found the man of her dreams.
“He was my dream guy, I just loved how he would send the most romantic messages, like, ‘u up?’ and ‘send pics.’ I think a poet said a picture is worth a thousand words?”
Spulunky, a fourth-year religion major, told The Medium, “He gave me everything I could ever want: attention, someone to pop my back zits, rides to places, and something to post on my Instagram.”
But after a “mutual” decision to end the relationship, she made a horrifying discovery. Her boyfriend had been ugly the whole time.
“Maybe it was his basketball shorts and athletic socks peeking out of his four-year-old Nike slides that fooled me. I’m so embarrassed. I had been bragging to everyone for months about how much better my life had gotten, only to find I’d been letting an uggo hit it,” Spulunky sobbed.
When asked how she was able to find him attractive, she explained, “He had beautiful shiny hair, probably because he only washed it every fortnight. Sure, he didn’t clean his fingernails, but it still felt the same when he held my hand. And yes, now that I think about it he was wearing the exact same sweatpants every time I saw him for six months. Love really is blind,” She sighed. “I thought he was so cute! He had the best features. He was tall… and… Fuck.”
Spulunky quickly deleted every photo of him off her Instagram and scrubbed her social media of any trace of his existence. But she feared the damage had already been done. Everyone now knew she was into ugly guys. Spulunky had sunk to a new low.
“My whole life has been turned upside down. I can’t trust anyone. My friends never even tried to tell me he was ugly. All they said was that he was ‘unique.’ My mother said he was perfect for me. What does that say about how they see me? Am I ugly too?”
Now a part of the witness protection program, accepted for witness ugliness, Spulunky is hoping to put her past behind her and focus on her academics, at least until the next 4/10 walks by.