Cuffing season may be winding down at the University of Toronto Mississauga campus, but students need not worry about spending the winter alone. As long as you’re on campus, you’re never too far from the warm embrace of the campus police’s cold metal handcuffs.

“The students may whine and pretend like they don’t like the handcuffs, but if they were truly being mistreated, they would use their safe word. Mine is kumquat. ” An officer told The Medium.

Just last week, the campus police were seen in an altercation with one student outside the Hazel McCallion library. The student, initially apprehended for bringing half a cream cheese bagel onto the quiet floor, was then recognized by the police as “resisting caress.” An officer was seen exclaiming that the student needed to be disciplined before giving them a spank.

The Medium spoke with the student about the heightened police presence on campus: “Do I think police are warranted on campus? Of course. Do they need to be flaunting their kinks and fetishes? I don’t think so.” The student was then distracted by an orbiting officer who was starting to approach her. The officer questioned if there were any problems going on.  “No, Sir,” she said, to which he responded, “That’s Daddy Sir to you.”

When asked for comment, the head of the Campus Police said “Listen, you don’t have to tell me about workplace professionalism. I know the difference between business and pleasure. That’s why I have my metal handcuffs here and my pink fuzzies at home.”

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