Disclaimer: This article is for entertainment purposes only. The Medium takes no responsibility for any injuries incurred by jumping or failing to jump out of a moving car. So if ninjas do catch you, you’re on your own.
All right, jumping out of a car isn’t exactly a daily occurrence. If you’ve even done it once, action movie characters must be based off you. But for those of us out there who have yet to be in this situation, here’s how to make that jump and still survive (hopefully).
So let’s say you’re out at a store on Wednesday night. It’s getting pretty late and Knitting ’n’ Things isn’t very busy, since its main customer base already went to bed three hours ago when you were just getting out of class. So you’ve got your yarn and new needles and you’re heading to the check-out when suddenly you hear a sound… ropes have fallen down from the ceiling and ninjas are climbing down them.
Of course this has to happen tonight, of all nights, when you’ve got a million things to do. The ninjas surround you and there’s really nothing to do but hold up your hands and try to figure out what they want. Well, fifteen minutes later, you’re in the back seat of a car speeding down the highway, wishing you had just stayed home.
If you’re lucky, they haven’t bound your hands. By some miracle, the door’s unlocked and you’re alone in the backseat. This is your chance. If you can see out the window, check the road. Is there a ditch? Grass and dirt are much better to land on than concrete, for obvious reasons. Okay, so you can aim for the ditch. Look ahead to see if there are any road signs, poles, or trees. Smacking against one of those will really ruin your night. Wait until there’s a clear space ahead and gear up to make your jump.
Glance at the driver and see where he’s looking. His head is turned at the passing group of motorcyclists complete with girls in skimpy outfits on the back of each bike. Now’s your chance. Open the door really wide to avoid hitting it when you go. As you head out, make sure your body is angled in the opposite direction the car is moving. Aim yourself toward the back of the car and out onto the road.
Now you’ve got the angle, so it’s time for technique to minimize injury. Curl yourself up into a ball by putting your head down to your chest and pulling your legs and arms close to your body. This will prevent your head from cracking open upon impact and leave the majority of your bones intact. And BAM! You’re flying through the air as the town car keeps going down the road, the driver undoubtedly just realizing you’re gone. You’ve got yourself tucked up tightly and hit the ditch as planned, feeling the immediate pain as your body hits. Quickly let yourself roll farther into the ditch and away from the traffic.
Okay, enough is enough. Stop rolling and check yourself over to see if you can walk. No broken bones? Good. Now get up and start running because that town car has turned around and is coming back for you. Make sure you get to a hospital as soon as you can to ensure that you really are okay. Most likely you’ll have some scrapes and bruises… who are we kidding? You’ll probably have some pretty serious injuries.
Reminder: jumping out of a car should only be done in drastic cases when you could potentially get worse injuries than those you’ll receive from the jump. So good luck, and watch out for those ninjas.